in open fields of wild flowers

there was a time not so long ago when i truly lived life. i didn't just see things, i experienced them. music didn't just shatter silence, it expressed emotion. moments didn't just happen, they were seized. spinning in fields made me dizzy. staring at stars made me feel small. flying kites made me feel light. laying in the middle of the road made me...well, crazy i guess. deep conversations inspired me to be a better person. genuinely caring for someone, no strings attached, made me hope Love could change the world. i couldn't stop time but i didn't feel crushed in its routine or rushed in its urgent passing. i suppose i was ignorantly living the fine line between patience and expectancy. was.

gradually i became lost in the paranoia of people pleasing...what would they think of me? and it wasn't all spurred on by vapid assumptions. i KNEW what people thought of me...i know what they still think of me. it's amazing how you can spend your whole life completely innocent, your motives entirely pure, and all it takes is one person questioning your intent, doubting it even, to make you second guess everything you do and everything you are. and i know it's because i don't allow my entire source of validity to come from the one Being whose opinion outweighs any human's. and i don't mean for this to sound like an excuse...but it's hard. especially when the people who pass the most judgements read out of the same Book you do.

Silencing the most tangible voices in order to hear the invisible whisper isn't easy. still, i'm trying to let go, let myself be free, let myself be. ironic though, trying to do the state of being.

oddities

today i had to drive to a town south of p.i...about 20 minutes away. i had just put my hand out the window when i simultaneously heard and felt a very large and squishy bug hit my hand. the only thing that made it even more disgusting was the splattering of blood all over my palm and fingers. i couldn't stop anywhere to wipe it off so i spent the rest of the ride with my hand out the window and washed the dried up bug blood off when i got to work. i kept my hands inside on the way back.

also, i believe i saw shawn cunningham at the irving gas station in town. for those of you who don't know who that is, well...less than sub par news anchor for aroostook county should do it. for those of you who do know who she is, did she get a hair cut?

and i was slightly creeped out at the library earlier when i heard a class on sign language taking a break and talking about a double homicide/suicide that happened nearby a few days ago.

seriously, i love this state...

i'm running

by kristian stanfill It seems I'm never free from a past that holds me down a past that haunts me now but You, You break the chains You shake the bondage off of me You help me to believe I'm free to live to breathe to walk with You I'm running I'm running to leave the past behind no shame to feel no shame to hold me down I'm running I'm running I'm never looking back With You I'm strong and I can dream again It's time to move along I hear You calling me to bigger better dreams You, You give me strength You give me everything I need help my eyes to see I won't look back, I'm moving on I'm leaving the past, the past is gone and I won't look back, I'm moving on I'm leaving the past, the past is gone

time

i went home the other week, for the first time in 3 months. and i can say, without doubt, that driving 14 hours, in any direction, from 6 pm - 8 am the next morning isn't healthy or safe. but i'll probably do it again, sometime. it was good to be home...but short. i only had 2 full days to connect with friends in york, and a long weekend with my family. it was so encouraging to see people, but i can't help still feeling like i started so many conversations and had to leave mid-sentence.

i'm trying to learn contentment - it's not easy. i'd much rather be terrified of going overseas, or changing the world, or doing something really "big", then be terrified of waking up each day and doing the same thing over again. from all i've been shown in the past 23 years, it takes more energy and creativity to live in the same town, doing the same job, and interacting with the same people than doing something exciting for a short amount of time. i wonder sometimes if it's the fear of the indefinite. going to london for a semester was, in many ways, terrifying. but when i flew out of dulles airport it was only for 3 months. my fear had an end-date.
now, waking up every day, i don't necessarily have a near ending to look forward to..."pour all of your time and energy out until this day, this week, this month, and then you can be done." well, i suppose i could keep moving from place to place, job to job, and never really settling. but that's not exactly encouraged...

when i moved north, out of york, part of the fear i thought i was leaving behind was that fear of monotony. now i've discovered it's followed me here, only with different people, a different job, and in a different location. and it's time to face it.

just another wrinkle in time

i think i'm going to like being 23, for a few reasons.
1. i have this thing about odd numbers. i like them. even numbers are just too perfect, too paired, too exact. (the ironic thing is some of the most significant biblical numbers - 3, 7, ok so only two - are odd).
3. my birthday is on an odd day
5. 21 is too overrated as an age. it's cliche.
7. 25...ok, i've heard that 40 is the new 30, but i'm pretty sure 25 is the new 30. yikes!

so yes, i like being 23. granted, i don't look it. the waitress at Governour's thought i was 17. the girl on the playground said i was 17 too. a little boy in the nursery the other night decided i was 6.

my mom tells me i'll appreciate all that when i'm older...

on reason and passion...

ever since i've graduated college, and especially since i left home in february, my life has felt like it's become a plateau. i no longer have daily intellectual conversations, or listen to professors and lectures. even when i left houghton and moved back to york, i was still surrounded by a community of college-aged students and i could immerse myself in meaningful discussions on topics like poverty, sexuality, different aspects of christianity, and even christian authors. but over the past few weeks i've felt unchallenged and, possibly as a result, my soul has grown stagnant. maybe it's because i'm in a new place and i don't yet feel comfortable challenging ideas...it could just be that most days i work with a 3 year old and the deepest discussions i have revolve around colors and animal sounds. for whatever reason, i'm left feeling lacking...

someone showed me a passage out of a book today that i'd like to finish reading. it's from the prophet by kahlil gibran. from chapter 15, on reason and passion:

And he answered saying:

Your reason and your passion are the rudder and the sails of your seafaring soul. If either your sails or your rudder be broken, you can but toss and drift, or else be held at a standstill in mid-seas. For reason, ruling alone, is a force confining; and passion, unattended, is a flame that burns to its own destruction.

Therefore let your soul exalt your reason to the height of passion; that it may sing; And let it direct your passion with reason, that your passion may live through its own daily resurrection, and like the phoenix rise above its own ashes...

Among the hills, when you sit in the cool shade of the white poplars, sharing the peace and serenity of distant fields and meadows - then let your heart say in silence, "God rests in reason." And when the storm comes, and the mighty wind shakes the forest, and thunder and lightning proclaim the majesty of the sky, - then let your heart say in awe, "God moves in passion."

And since you are a breath in God's sphere, and a leaf in God's forest, you too should rest in reason and move in passion.

much of what i've been discovering and learning to appreciate about christianity are the paradoxes. things like judgement and mercy, the law and grace, Jesus himself - fully God and fully man...and reason and passion. "your reason and your passion are the rudder and the sails of your seafaring soul."

i think i've lost my passion.

spiderman got stuck in a tree

i'm pretty sure i have the best job ever. most days it starts at noon and the past two days i've gotten paid for blowing bubbles, flying a kite, and going to the gym. good eh?