there was a time not so long ago when i truly lived life. i didn't just see things, i experienced them. music didn't just shatter silence, it expressed emotion. moments didn't just happen, they were seized. spinning in fields made me dizzy. staring at stars made me feel small. flying kites made me feel light. laying in the middle of the road made me...well, crazy i guess. deep conversations inspired me to be a better person. genuinely caring for someone, no strings attached, made me hope Love could change the world. i couldn't stop time but i didn't feel crushed in its routine or rushed in its urgent passing. i suppose i was ignorantly living the fine line between patience and expectancy. was.
gradually i became lost in the paranoia of people pleasing...what would they think of me? and it wasn't all spurred on by vapid assumptions. i KNEW what people thought of me...i know what they still think of me. it's amazing how you can spend your whole life completely innocent, your motives entirely pure, and all it takes is one person questioning your intent, doubting it even, to make you second guess everything you do and everything you are. and i know it's because i don't allow my entire source of validity to come from the one Being whose opinion outweighs any human's. and i don't mean for this to sound like an excuse...but it's hard. especially when the people who pass the most judgements read out of the same Book you do.
Silencing the most tangible voices in order to hear the invisible whisper isn't easy. still, i'm trying to let go, let myself be free, let myself be. ironic though, trying to do the state of being.
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1 comment:
Good post.
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