i went home the other week, for the first time in 3 months. and i can say, without doubt, that driving 14 hours, in any direction, from 6 pm - 8 am the next morning isn't healthy or safe. but i'll probably do it again, sometime. it was good to be home...but short. i only had 2 full days to connect with friends in york, and a long weekend with my family. it was so encouraging to see people, but i can't help still feeling like i started so many conversations and had to leave mid-sentence.
i'm trying to learn contentment - it's not easy. i'd much rather be terrified of going overseas, or changing the world, or doing something really "big", then be terrified of waking up each day and doing the same thing over again. from all i've been shown in the past 23 years, it takes more energy and creativity to live in the same town, doing the same job, and interacting with the same people than doing something exciting for a short amount of time. i wonder sometimes if it's the fear of the indefinite. going to london for a semester was, in many ways, terrifying. but when i flew out of dulles airport it was only for 3 months. my fear had an end-date.
now, waking up every day, i don't necessarily have a near ending to look forward to..."pour all of your time and energy out until this day, this week, this month, and then you can be done." well, i suppose i could keep moving from place to place, job to job, and never really settling. but that's not exactly encouraged...
when i moved north, out of york, part of the fear i thought i was leaving behind was that fear of monotony. now i've discovered it's followed me here, only with different people, a different job, and in a different location. and it's time to face it.
About Me
Write
Listen
- Chase this Light: Jimmy Eat World
- The Alchemy Index Vols. 1 & 2: Thrice
- Remedy: David Crowder Band
- Why Should the Fire Die: Nickel Creek
- The Historical Conquests of Josh Ritter: Josh Ritter
2 comments:
It makes sense to me. It is hard, I agree. Life gets boring after college. But I guess that is part of the challenge, to make it interesting? Just be glad you have friends and a life that isn't horrible. Friends always get me through it, well and my husband of course :)
It's interesting - we spend most of our lives trying to find the "excitement", only to at some point recognize that the excitement is never going to show up. It's so tempting to think that by moving to the right place or by meeting the right people or by getting the right job that somehow we'll break out of the monotony. What it often takes nearly a lifetime to realize is that the monotony is really inside us; we can learn to deal with it - to effect it or change it - but we can't get away from it.
I'm not sure that I really get this yet - or even that I'm supposed to; mostly, I'm just waiting for life to get "better" rather than pushing to really enjoy what I have. It's the same draw that materialism has to our hearts - that by "owning" something, we'll somehow have joy. What we forget is that there will always be something else to own - and that by owning nothing, we really own everything. With the search for meaning - for contentment - we feel as though by "attaining" something or getting somewhere, we'll somehow gain it. But it's really already within us. And it's in you, Ab.
Post a Comment