open water

how do you tell someone who is enslaved, of life beyond their chains?
can you convince a freed man to remove his shackles, when they're all he's ever worn?
is it wrong to expect a captive to embrace freedom?

i walk ocean shores, picking up
skeletons on the way, searching for
corpses not yet dead.
i want to send shells back to the
body beside them.
love is my cause
freedom is my mission.
i watch the ocean's fingers grasp for more beings.
the atlantic is hungry. she yearns, with me, to
bring them home.

dusty red against a sandy background.
i pick her up carefully,
expectant.
i whisper
"breathe".
lifeless and immobile, the being inside is no longer
alive.
had she been trapped on the ocean's edge?
if i had been here before her death, i would have told her how
near
she was.
i would have carried her myself and
baptized
her in
immortal waters.
her whitewashed shell is a clever facade.
but she is dead, and i am too late.

fear

"have you decided who you're voting for next year?" she was referring to the 2008 presidential elections and, honestly, i hadn't even thought about it. our conversation rapidly progressed to reasons behind each potential candidate and another question was posed. "well, what do you think about the war? are you for it?" and i told her how i didn't have a direct answer to that either, but really i wanted peace, and sooner than later. she agreed, i think. "yes, what we need to do is just win it and get out. and we need to choose someone who is going to keep our country safe even after we're out of there."

we talked about our lives, and i shared a story of passing a hitchhiker three times in one day, feeling convicted about passing him by, lamenting my hesitation at helping out a stranger. "oh but promise me you won't ever pick anyone up like that! you never know what they might do...hurt you or something." her tone reaked of fear, though it was cloaked in the comfortable guise of safety. and i hung up feeling broken inside.

ashamed because we've turned our attack on sin into acts of violence against ourselves.
grieved because we've allowed the what if's from the "bad people" in this world to speak louder than the conviction of the holy spirit.
and broken because a child of God lives her life in fear, and doesn't even know it.
i'm pretty sure she's not the only one.

sovereign love

God is overwhelming me with his love. everyday, it seeps into my soul and joy is the only plausible response. for the first time, my heart understands how unflinchingly God's love clings to me and it is setting me free from too many burdens. i didn't know living could be this light, and i'm beginning to grasp the difference between heavy and hard. his yoke is light, but sometimes the cross is hard to bear. this morning, another presupposition was shattered as i realized another way God's love affects how i live, and the freedom it bestows.

clue is my favourite board game, hands down. and it's pretty simple why; i love figuring things out. for me, it's the difference between a math problem and a poetic interpretation. i don't care how the problem is solved, just tell me its meaning. what and why. and i bring this part of my personality into my relationship with God. what is the next step in my life? what is my calling? why did this happen to me?

only recently have i been able to face my stubborn and relentless questioning and see how i've allowed myself to be limited by asking them. fear had been inhabiting the whats and whys of decision making, because there was always room for mistakes. but when God chose to reveal his love to me, untainted by my failings, and relentless in its pursuit, i was and am able to embrace the unknown. after all, perfect love casts out fear.

knowing God loves me doesn't tell me what will happen to me, what God wants for me, or even why he wants it. it simply means whatever does happen will be because God loves me. the questions don't matter because i already know the answer.

and it's not that i didn't believe he loved me. on the contrary, i had already determined the kind of love his was. manipulating, condescending, controlling. but it's not that at all. and i can't explain just how it is, because love like this can't be defined by words. it must be experienced. the only thing i can do is tell you how it's changing the way i live my life.