being alive

sometimes i think back to periods of my life when i felt alive. times when conversations had depth, things were done with a sense of direction and meaning, and i lived life on purpose. most notably, there was the absence of fear. each day was lived fully because i wasn't worried...about tomorrow, being good enough, saying the right things. and i guess i've slowly realized that that state of being was lived out because i was in love with Jesus. maybe that's what He means when He says things like faith like a child, and having an easy yoke. all He wants us to do is love Him.

but personal experience also tells me we don't continually live life with that euphoric sense of perfection, and if, by God's grace, we reach eternal and continual hope, it is only because of the meshing of our daily choice to embrace it and his power to create it. hope, i mean. because there's the heartbeating emotion of david, the mistakes of moses, the thorn in paul's flesh and the cowardice of peter.

and i know i'm not expected to be perfect, because there's a difference between holiness obtained and holiness pursued. and there's a difference in motivation too.

how i live my life by pursuing holiness out of legalism looks a lot different than how i live my life by pursuing holiness out of love. the endings look a bit different too, i think.

p.s. i'm relearning to live in pursuit of love