and sometimes, silence is the only sound

vivaldi's four seasons. get into it.

sometimes the unexplained can define you

and there are moments i just want to run away from it all. the other afternoon, for instance. as drove by i some railroad tracks, a queue of dully painted train cars caught my attention.

there is something quite romantic about train cars. not candle lit dinner or getting engaged romantic; more like rocky beaches and tea on rainy days...nostalgia i suppose, though i have no idea why trains would carry any significantly warm memories for me. only two train experiences stick out. one was part of a scenic half hour tour in strausburg with a snack bar and cushy seats, like the kinds they have in churches. the other, when i was five and i distinctly remember chewing bubble yum, not making it to the bathroom on time, and not being able to sleep (the latter being the result of the former). and still, the boxcar children lined my childhood bookshelves and the train scene in fried green tomatoes still remains one of my favorites. trains evoke a sense of adventure, travel, spontaneity. perhaps that's what came over me the other day.

the longer i gazed at those three stoic cars, the more inviting they became. i conjured up an adventure and i watched myself pull the car off the road. think of it. leaving everything for a large rusty box and a trip to anywhere. would people wonder where i had gone? but that mystery would only add to the excitement. i could have a tent in the woods via some cargo in a train.

i didn't go through with it. but someday, maybe. hopefully...
if you haven't heard from me in awhile, your best bet is to start checking the next train that rolls into town.

there's a type of freedom that can tie you down

the mind of a 4 year old, and other revelations.

"ok now we have to pray. hold your hands together and say what i say. hey, keep your eyes shut!
dear God, i love you and have a good night and sleep well and brush my teeth. amen. ok, now i have to do my crab walk."

i wish i could go into all that's being unveiled to me right now. sadly though, i'm not aware of a lot of it either. i'm lately overwhelmed, in both good and bad ways and the only recent realization i can share is that it's not about where i am going, or what i am doing, but who i am becoming. forget about careers, jobs, my "calling". seeking His face is my calling.

there's a certain kind of pain that can numb you

it's raining outside tonight. no torrential downpours, just a soft, misty summer rain. this weekend has been one of constant goodbyes. yesterday stephen left for college, and i said goodbye to jon too since i won't see him either. tonight i hugged two heathers goodbye; a friend and a cousin. and tomorrow i'm leaving again as well. i suppose the rain is appropriate then. it's set my mood, a gentle sadness. i've stopped fighting goodbyes, but the goodbyes have yet to become easy.